My paternal grandmother died over ten years ago after a short battle with colon cancer. About a week afterward I was running errands and accidentally locked my car with the keys still in the ignition. I was really upset because it was such a stupid move and I was going to be late for a bridal shower and the locksmith was in no hurry to rescue me. And suddenly I felt incredibly calm and the very strong sense that my grandmother had come to me. Then she left and I felt her rise above me and disappear. I am not the sort of person who normally believes in something like that but it was so real to me. I told my mom about it later and she must have told my dad. His response was not disbelief but rather bewilderment about why his mom didn't also say good bye to him.

I now know how he felt. There have been times when Erika has been going with some very difficult moments with Sammy's health related to his heart defect and has felt people who have passed from this life come to her to comfort her. One of those people is Tom. I am so glad that she has that comfort but I have never felt Tom come to me. In fact he has never seemed farther away than when Keegan is going through a difficult time. I would like to think that he is glad that I am here raising our son. That he would be proud of this sweet beautilful boy. But I would love a sign. Something more than my heart stopping when I see someone who looks likes him for the briefest moment. And even those times have become few and far between.

The other day in counseling Keegan made a heart out of sculpty clay. He told me later he made a heart because that is all that is left of Tom. "Daddy lives on in me, even after I die he will still live on. Even when the sun becomes a red giant and explodes."