"How did daddy get dead?"
Keegan asked me right before lunch today. We had been watching TV and as we flipped the channels some actor was talking about putting a bag on his head and jumping in the water during filming. Keegan heard the bag over the head part and I launched into how dangerous that is. You could die. And then he asked.

I explained that Tom was sick, well, really that his body already had something wrong and when he got sick he died from it. I told him the name of the disease, Addison's. He asked if it was in his stomach and I said that it was all over his body. He scrunched his face and said," All over? Yucky." Then he wanted to know where his daddy is. And I always knew this would be a tough one. And I wished I had a belief in heaven to fall back on because that seems an easier concept to explain to a child. So I said he was out of his body. That when you are dead you don't need a body. Your spirit is energy, like light and it is everywhere. I told him that daddy's body was turned into dust and we had put him in places that he loved. I told him that I had taken him to Alaska. Keegan wanted to see the dust. So I brought him up to the computer and showed him the helicopter, the glacier and the place with Tom's ashes. He was mesmerized. I asked if he would like to help sprinkle the last part of his daddy in Vermont. And he said yes. Then I gave him the rock I had brought back for him from the glacier. And he brought it to his room and put it on his headboard. After he ate lunch and was tucked in I sat on the couch and replayed what I had said. It was a surreal conversation. I couldn't believe it even while it was happening. It was a conversation I thought wouldn't happen for a while longer. But here we are home on a random day and there it was. And if I know him like I think I do, he will ask to see the pictures many more times and he will ask questions. And he will explain it all to his bear Manny the same way I explained to him. And he will do it matter of factly and with the certainty only a child has.