about
Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

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Out There

I wote this last Friday night.

I should be in bed trying to sleep which is what I usually do when I'm upset. Not posting. But that book threw me off for the rest of the day. So I finished it tonight because I both wanted to get it over with and also wanted to see what happened. And along the way add in the son of the dead loved one, two years old. It's almost more than I could take. But like sad movies, reading through tears never stopped me. And there were lessons in there. Even though someone who loved you is gone there are still so many people left who love you too. And the part about it taking one year and a day to mourn someone. Which reminded me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with R. on the one year anniversary of when her husband left. She was celebrating having gotten through "a year of firsts." And on that day I realized I never got my year of firsts with my divorce because Tom died before then. And how it never occurred to me that my year started all over on September 9th. And the grief is in waves now. So many good days followed by a sad one. I spoke with a counselor at work a few weeks ago about something unrelated to Tom. She asked me if I had had time to grieve. And I started crying. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone and I asked her if it seemed like I needed to. She said all the supportive friends and an understanding husband is wonderful but sometimes you just need a place to talk. And I almost asked her for a referral that day. And again today. But I keep thinking that time will make things better. More like passing milestones will. When Spring comes. When the estate is settled. When I take him to Alaska. When its been six months, seven months, eight.
I had this awful thought. That maybe Tom's death was what happened because I got so lucky with Jeff. That you don't get love like that without a price. And that Jeff was what I got for my marriage ending. And my marriage ending was what I got for getting Keegan. You can torture yourself for hours that way.
Odds are if I post this at all it will be in the morning and not at 12:26 am when I wrote it. It's good practice to think these moments over before releasing them to the world.

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