I wote this last Friday night.
I should be in bed trying to sleep which is what I usually do when I'm upset. Not posting. But that book threw me off for the rest of the day. So I finished it tonight because I both wanted to get it over with and also wanted to see what happened. And along the way add in the son of the dead loved one, two years old. It's almost more than I could take. But like sad movies, reading through tears never stopped me. And there were lessons in there. Even though someone who loved you is gone there are still so many people left who love you too. And the part about it taking one year and a day to mourn someone. Which reminded me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with R. on the one year anniversary of when her husband left. She was celebrating having gotten through "a year of firsts." And on that day I realized I never got my year of firsts with my divorce because Tom died before then. And how it never occurred to me that my year started all over on September 9th. And the grief is in waves now. So many good days followed by a sad one. I spoke with a counselor at work a few weeks ago about something unrelated to Tom. She asked me if I had had time to grieve. And I started crying. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone and I asked her if it seemed like I needed to. She said all the supportive friends and an understanding husband is wonderful but sometimes you just need a place to talk. And I almost asked her for a referral that day. And again today. But I keep thinking that time will make things better. More like passing milestones will. When Spring comes. When the estate is settled. When I take him to Alaska. When its been six months, seven months, eight.
I had this awful thought. That maybe Tom's death was what happened because I got so lucky with Jeff. That you don't get love like that without a price. And that Jeff was what I got for my marriage ending. And my marriage ending was what I got for getting Keegan. You can torture yourself for hours that way.
Odds are if I post this at all it will be in the morning and not at 12:26 am when I wrote it. It's good practice to think these moments over before releasing them to the world.
http://www.fillorburst.com/mt-tb.cgi/1400
I can tell you that I spent a few months talking to a therapist after X's birth sent into a downward spiral, and it was very helpful. I'd recommend it.
I've had those same type of thoughts for all the good and bad things that have happened in the last year or so. Part of me believes it, but my rational side doesn't and hits me upside the head.
I read a book, Dog Years, by Mark Doty two weeks ago. Not the same loss, but I too was reading through tears. I think you would like it. There are other things in there other than the topic that are quite thought provoking. I highly recommend it when you have the time!
Oh, love. My heart felt so heavy for you today as I read books on children, death, grief, and losing a loved one at a young age. How to get the child through it. How to get through it yourself. I sat in Barnes and Noble crying for a good, long time today. I'm so glad you are talking about it with someone. I love you so much, and I want you to walk through your emotions. To talk about it. I love you and am here if you need me.
I say, ask for the referral. Maybe just asking for it will be enough...maybe it won't. But it will become more of an option for you, on those days you feel it's too much. You need to heal, too. You've taken wonderful care to make sure Keegan's emotional well-being has been cared for through all of this...you deserve the same care. Tom was your spouse, he is the father of your son...just because you two divorced doesn't mean his passing should hurt you any less. Even if you decide not to see someone about how you're feeling...it is always an option...a good one. I am such a believer in therapy. Not just for purging my thoughts, but for sorting them out, making sense of them, and figuring out where to put them internally-if that makes any sense.
You can't go through what you guys did and not feel pain. It's just a matter of where to go with it.
And if you opt to just lean on friends through this instead...remember you have one out here in Pennsyltucky, sight unseen, yes...but with an ear. Anytime.