On Saturday Jeff and I went to see "Reign Over Me." I knew that it was going to be sad, of course it would be where the premise is about someone who lost their family. I love a tear jerker though. When we were in line someone said they heard it was good but the ending was anti-climactic. I thought the ending was good. It was real. In real life everything isn't magically fixed. But hopefully you come to a better understanding. You aren't the same person you were but you find some peace.
It is terribly obvious or should have been that I would feel a connection to the story. The loss, the grief. But I was still surprised. Fortunately I have a husband who understands how deeply I feel things and is not embarassed by a crier. A dark movie theater crier. I saw it all in the story about how much his children loved him and I thought about Keegan and how a child's love should be pure and free and not weighed down by loss. And about reliving the last thing you said to them. The sifting through of every memory looking for regrets wondering if they knew who you were and wondering if you knew them the way they wanted to be known. The inability to remember how it felt not to feel the weight of them. How normally they become a part of your every day. In six months time it is not a raw as it was but still not natural. How you simultaneously look forward to completing the tasks that will give you closure and dread them as well.
I thought about how with Tom gone there is one less person on the earth I loved. And one less person who loved me. That is the loneliest feeling of all.