Today as I was about to drop him off at school Keegan asked me if daddy will get better. I realized that he is basing this on my being sick and then saying I was better. I also realized that this didn't necessarily mean he hadn't gotten the concept of death as I was certain he had. But he needed clarification. So I reminded him about the eraser exercise with the counselor. Gone is gone. I also explained that you cannot get better from dead. It sounds terrible but with toddlers you have to be concrete. He seemed fine with the explanation and the drop off went fine. But I always carry these conversations around with me for at least the rest of the day.
I gave his teacher a heads up in case it came up again during the day. She told me that she lost a friend of her's this weekend. 27, two young children. She had MS but actually died from falling and hitting her head. What a loss. And she said that losing someone so suddenly just made it hard to believe they were really gone. I know exactly what she means. Erika and I talked about this the other day. And there will never be another person that gets the things I want to talk about regarding Keegan in the way Tom would. Noone knows what it is like to be his parent but me. And it was a few days ago I almost cried driving in the car when I realized that for me, dead is dead. And I cannot find comfort in the afterwards because I have no reason to believe in one. And after confronting death I actually feel worse about it than before when I excepted it as inevitable. I am hoping that the next year will bring more healing. I am certain that once I get to stop having to deal with Tom's estate every day that I will be able to find some peace. Please add to your new year's resolutions getting a will and/or trust. Especially if you have dependents. We never expect to die suddenly. It is an icky subject to confront but you really must do it. More later on what a terrific nightmare you leave behind if you don't prepare.