about
Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

view all my recipes

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More Better

Today as I was about to drop him off at school Keegan asked me if daddy will get better. I realized that he is basing this on my being sick and then saying I was better. I also realized that this didn't necessarily mean he hadn't gotten the concept of death as I was certain he had. But he needed clarification. So I reminded him about the eraser exercise with the counselor. Gone is gone. I also explained that you cannot get better from dead. It sounds terrible but with toddlers you have to be concrete. He seemed fine with the explanation and the drop off went fine. But I always carry these conversations around with me for at least the rest of the day.
I gave his teacher a heads up in case it came up again during the day. She told me that she lost a friend of her's this weekend. 27, two young children. She had MS but actually died from falling and hitting her head. What a loss. And she said that losing someone so suddenly just made it hard to believe they were really gone. I know exactly what she means. Erika and I talked about this the other day. And there will never be another person that gets the things I want to talk about regarding Keegan in the way Tom would. Noone knows what it is like to be his parent but me. And it was a few days ago I almost cried driving in the car when I realized that for me, dead is dead. And I cannot find comfort in the afterwards because I have no reason to believe in one. And after confronting death I actually feel worse about it than before when I excepted it as inevitable. I am hoping that the next year will bring more healing. I am certain that once I get to stop having to deal with Tom's estate every day that I will be able to find some peace. Please add to your new year's resolutions getting a will and/or trust. Especially if you have dependents. We never expect to die suddenly. It is an icky subject to confront but you really must do it. More later on what a terrific nightmare you leave behind if you don't prepare.

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Comments

*hugs* You are doing so well with all of this Alisa. You are a strong person and a wonderful mom. Hang in there.

Shared by mel at January 8, 2007 6:55 PM

We were just talking about this the other day. I know we have to do it, but it wigs me out.

I hope each day brings a bit more closure.

Shared by Bari at January 9, 2007 5:33 AM

You are so strong, and every time you post like this I just more respect for you and how you parent Keegan.

Love ya

Shared by Lindsay at January 9, 2007 11:01 AM

I admire you for being able to do right by Keegan in your explanations. As concrete as he needs to hear it, I am sure it's hard to say and have it lingering in your mind for the day.
Nobody can come along and say "I know how you feel" because no one else does. No one knows EXACTLY what it is like to be in YOUR very shoes. And the one other person who knew what it was like to be Keegan's parent is gone.
I hope that as the paperwork and estate stuff is settled, this will not be slapping you in the fact so often. You will never forget, but I do hope the pain eases.
And by the way, you are one of those I asked God for some extra favors for. :) I'll keep asking, too-for as long as you need.

Shared by allie at January 9, 2007 4:52 PM

And you are the reason we prepared our wills before going on our trip to Cuba. Thankfully the worst that happened was a zip lining accident for G and the Cuban government seizing our bag filled with medical items for toddlers. While I realize there are so many other things in life that are weighing on you, you should know that in this regard you made a difference. Everytime G procrastinated, I reminded him of your difficulties, frustration, etc. Although it took him a while, he got, and we did it. xoxo and lots of love to you

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