I returned to work yesterday. It was good to get back and I was so busy the day went by quickly. But every time I am left without something to do the thoughts are there. My eyes have only filled with tears, no out and out crying. And I have not taken a sleeping pill for the past two nights. Sleep has been pretty good. Returning to work also gives me a false sense of normalcy, like nothing bad happened. I had to go by Tom's house tonight and put out the garbage. It felt like he was just away on a trip. Except that I could only go as far as the garage.
Keegan went to counseling yesterday morning. It was what you imagine. He drew pictures and talked about Tom. We will see her again in two weeks. She said it is good to give him a break. The plan is to help him understand what it means to be dead (gone) and to help him learn to express his feelings. He has sad moments and angry moments. But he is able to tell me he is sad and then asks for hugs and to sit in my lap. The counselor will also talk to his school to give them advice on how to handle questions. It is a simple as saying that Tom died. He is gone. But he will always be in our hearts and we have memories and stories and pictures. It is okay to be sad and ask questions. Toddlers don't need much more than that.
I am not getting any formal counseling. I talk to friends about it. They let me be angry or frustrated or sad or fine. When we got our divorce I mourned the loss of a lover, husband, partner and a future together. So that part is done. Now I mourn the loss of a friend, the father of my son and a really good hearted person. But I see life all around. I still see joy. There is so much more here that still is and can be.

Thank you to Bari for sending us "Life Prayers : From Around the World : 365 Prayers, Blessings, and Affirmations to Celebrate the Human Journey."