Monday night Tom came over to bring me my birthday present from Keegan. He kept forgetting to send it in his backpack. It was something to help with making movies on my computer so we took it upstairs. It's weird having your ex in your bedroom but that is where my desk is. On the way down Keegan wanted to hold Tom's hand and then he reached out to hold mine. He looked thrilled to have both of us with him at the same time. My heart still hurts for that. But I am happy that we can be together and get along in front of him. When it comes to divorces I am lucky in that way. Our dynamic now is definitely different but I am very careful to not cross any lines. Sure he still says things that drive me crazy but I don't get drawn into it for Keegan's sake. Those little things just aren't important enough to sacrifice good parenting. But this is easier to do because I still trust him. Our breakup was not the result of dishonesty or deliberate cruelty. No one cheated or lied or violated the foundation of the marriage. In this regard I am luckier than most. I can forgive so much and move on. We'll never be friends in the traditional sense and really I don't think that is appropriate. But we share things we know the other one would like, both concerning Keegan and otherwise. And we can joke around with each other and commiserate on work stuff. We respect our private lives and the desire to have one. And we also understand that there are other people who are directly effected by this too. All the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who want to be in Keegan's life. I don't think that we are at the point where we can consider the future too far in advance and that's okay. We're working out the relationship under the new terms and still grappling with all of the parenting stuff we would face if we were still married. He's still him and I'm still me so I fully expect us to disagree and be pissed at each other. It is the way we conduct ourselves during these times that we can control.
The holiday plan is worked out and it wasn't too terribly stressful. It is Keegan's birthday in January that I am struggling with now. Last year for his first birthday we had separated but not all of the people in attendance knew that. This year I just don't know how feasible is to put everyone who loves him in the same room. Even though Tom and I would probably be fine, others would not. Maybe we should just do something separately, I don't know.