I am allowing myself to be unholiday spirit-like for two more days. Then all bets are off and I need to get cracking. I am being inspired by exchanging Christmas list emails and reading other people's blogs.
Currently I am dealing with the romantic intanglements version of "A Christmas Carol." Haunted by the ghosts of relationships past, present and future. When your ex starts dating it dredges up all kinds of questions that you never had closure on from before. When your current relationship reaches a certain point you have to decide how far you are willing to leap again. And when you look into the crystal ball you wonder whether you are ultimately doomed to end up alone again.
Geez I'm a bummer today. I don't mean it to sound all doom and gloom because it isn't. It's just that nothing is simple. Things don't begin and end at the same time, all clean and simple. You can be incredibly happy, and petrified, and incredibly sad all at once. I keep telling myself that. And I keep giving myself permission to be however I feel. It's a grieving process after all. You mourn everything that isn't for as long as you remember wanting it. That's the way it turned out for me with infertility. Every thing that was supposed to be was something I had to say goodbye to. Now I have Keegan and I don't even remember wanting those things as badly. I'm not sad or regretful about the repeated disappointments, the diagnosis, the IVF, the shots, the procedures, the awful wait for the test results and the entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am hoping that this latest challenge in my life plays out the same way. The deepest hurt only reminded by the faintest scars.