I had to drop off my car at the dealer this morning for new tires and an alignment. Fortunately I only have to pay for the alignment part. They gave me a loaner to take to work. Then I stopped by Keegan's daycare to dropoff his lunch and his naptime blankets. I wasn't going to let him see me because I was afraid to upset him. Like I was really going to be able resist hugging him after four days. But he looked up and saw me and came racing to the door. I chatted with him and admired his new Hersh*y Chocolate Town t-shirt, "Don't just stand there, give me a kiss." I was pleasantly surprised when he let me leave, content to blow kisses from the doorway.
I am still feeling a little of the funk from yesterday. I think getting the divorce finished will help. I hate walking around feeling at any moment the rug could be pulled out from under me. It's been dragging on for so long now and it keeps tearing open the wounds I'm working so hard to heal. Keep your fingers crossed that we can complete everything this month as planned.
Yesterday was also my semi-monthly single parent pity party. I hate how co-parenting forces me into an "all or nothing" situation. It's not fair that I don't get to raise him in a two parent, sharing the workload, emotionally supportive situation. But life isn't fair. I get that. Which is why my internal tantrum rarely lasts more than a few hours. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could scream, yell and throw stuff. That must be so cathartic.
I was thinking this morning that people who knew me when I was younger would never believe that I am getting divorced. It seems like the ultimate failure. But maybe the real test is how you conduct yourself during and after.