about
Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

view all my recipes

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« I'll Take The Half-Wit | Main | Slow Down Already »

Everything Changes

"And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore"

I think I have mentioned it here before. A friend told me to not be surprised about all the unexpected hurts which would keep popping up. So last night I had them on the phone with Tom. He was volunteering details about his social life. I never ask him because he is entitled to a private life and it's none of my business. But he talked about all the plans and I was happy for him. I reminded him how he could have done things when were married too. He knows. But I thought about how they are getting to see the best of him. How this is what it was like in the beginning. So fun and easy. But life is about settling down and we didn't survive that part. Lucky them who get that side of him now.
And he asked to talk to Keegan on the phone. They chatted back and forth, Keegan saying "hello" repeatedly or "dada." And I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how much Tom loves him. How now Keegan gets a great dad. Why couldn't we have had that in our marriage?
But I am trying to shake the funk. It's not a useful exercise to dwell on the "whatifs" and "could have beens." I've been through it a million times in my head. I replayed the whole thing. There was no other choice. And the real point is that now seven months after separating I am happy 80% of the time. That is lightyears from where I was last year. My dad said to me Monday in the car, "You were just so strong together." I replied, "I am still strong."

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Comments

yikes, that must have hurt when your Dad said that to you. I winced in pain for you. I would always be dwelling on the whatifs. I'm weak like that.

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It actually didn't hurt. It was something I had said to myself before. I still wonder how we survived infertility and his diagnosis but couldn't make it through the last year. The bottom line is that only one of us was trying. Nothing can survive with that.

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You ARE strong...these relationship things only work if there are two people trying...

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