It's been a little over a month since Tom and I stopped living together. Granted I haven't been around much, but the time has flown. We are constantly working on the best way to make the arrangement work. He delivers things to my house and I have some of his boxes in my garage. We are closing out the rest of the accounts and writing checks back and forth to settle the bills. That's all the business part of it.
The parenting part is a work in progress. I anticipate it will be so for the next 20 years. We try to stay in touch on daycare updates, food updates and the ongoing sleep issues. We tell eachother Keegan's accomplishments, new favorites and tricks for success. We are trying to create a consistent routine in both homes in the hopes of resolving the drama that is bedtime. I'm not going to lie to you, it's weird, it's hard, it's a daily struggle. I wish Keegan could talk. I wish he could tell me if he was scared, confused or sad. We are trying to love him and comfort him but still maintain a structure to his life. I have no idea if we are succeeding. We make an effort to not refer to one parent's place as "home" over the other. Keegan has two parents, two homes, two families. Nobody here is a single parent. I am just single and a mom.

The sticky part is the changing of the relationship with Tom. That one is all mixed up in history, love, friendship and hurt. It is a continual challenge to separate that from our new roles. I will always love him. I don't think of him in a romantic way anymore. But habits of ten years are hard to break. Like the terms of endearment, the calling him when I have exciting or disappointing news, putting my hands on him as I follow him up the stairs. All things that I have had to physically restrain myself from doing. A friend has an analogy to thousands of strings tied to another person. It's not enough to cut them. You have to go along and methodically and purposefully untie each one. Sometimes I find the knots easy and other times they are tight and painful to unbind. I feel happy. I feel hopeful. I still feel like I am treading water and keeping my head above the waves. I have a whole future ahead of me that is completely blank. I don't have any idea of what my life will look like in one year, five years or ten years. It scares and thrills me.