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Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

view all my recipes

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« Steamy To Chills | Main | Tales Of A Single Mother »

This Circus Is Falling Down

Here's my admission: sometimes despite my best attempts, I am not okay. I wonder what you all think of me and my moods. I seem to be fluctuate between being really happy and hopeful and then having a crappy time of it. It's not like I wake up in some particular state. Every crappy time has been the direct consequence of dealing with other people. At the heart I believe that people are good, wish eachother well and don't purposefully spew out misery.

But it is hard to remember that all the time. Especially when I am bearing the brunt of the misery. I made choices that got me here. I understand that I am here in this situation for a reason. I did the best I could. I followed the "rules." But you know what? Life isn't always pretty or fair. As much as I try to keep this divorce on a positive track ultimately I can't be reponsible for other people's actions. I can't be responsible for other people's reactions.
I cannot wait for it to be over. I can't wait until the daily hurt is over. I am naive enough to think that some day it won't dominate my life. As hard as I fight to make sure that it doesn't define who I am. You cannot easily extricate yourself from a relationship this deep. It's a process. It's day by day slowly separating every aspect of your life together. It's the details that you didn't even recognize as being wrapped up in someone else. It's the hurt and the scars and the unanswered questions and the things I'll never know. It's all the things that were bad in the marriage magnified a hundred times in a divorce. Because atleast before they were tempered by love, respect and honoring of a promise. Now there is no promise and the respect and love is clouded by the anger and hurt. Why do I let the few people in my life who let me down overshadow the many amazing and supportive ones? I apologize to you for that. Can I really be expected to be chipper when it insists on raining the entire month?
Personal mantra: this time is but a fraction of the rest of my life, good things are ahead for me.

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Comments

Good things are ahead, I promise!

*hugs*

Shared by Amy at May 25, 2005 11:23 AM

I've never been in your shoes, so I won't pretend to have something intelligent and life-altering to say to you.
*HUG* It's all I can offer. Hang in there.

Shared by allie at May 25, 2005 5:04 PM

*hugs* to you too, Alisa! Good things are ahead!

Shared by N. at May 25, 2005 9:52 PM

*big hug*

Shared by Z. Hendirez at May 25, 2005 10:31 PM

Alisa, I can't imagine that if I was going through a divorce, that I would have a 1/10th of the insight that you do. I'm glad that you can use this blog as a journal of sorts to get it all down and maybe help others who are going through the same thing. I hope that you have a happy weekend!

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