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Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

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Disection

There was a time many naive years ago when I couldn't understand how people got divorced. Well, people who were obviously really in love once and seemed to fit one another. I still don't understand why I am getting divorced but I know how it happens. Your marriage dies slowly and quietly. Then one day all the things you loved about being together are gone and you can't remember when they disappeared.
I have had over a year to deal with the concept of getting divorced. That is why I seem to be handling it very well. But then again I am a person who finds security in a plan. If I can build a structure in a crisis, I can survive. I have died a thousand little deaths inside this past year. Every time I think I have prepared myself for what is going to hurt I am proven wrong. The little hurts will keep popping up and surprising me at the most unexpected times.
I can not concretely think beyond the next year. I focus on the next several months. I focus on doing the best I can for Keegan. But at night before I fall asleep that is when the bad thoughts come. When I ask myself questions I couldn't possibly know the answer to.

What if you never find anyone else to love you?
What if you never trust enough to marry again?
What if you spend the rest of your life alone?

The practical logical side of me, along with my friends assure me that I will recover and move on. But those nagging thoughts still surface.

After this time I have found peace with the past. I don't examine every moment trying to figure out what went wrong. How I could have looked different, acted different or said something different that would have changed the outcome. Shaking my self confidence is a worthless exercise. I want to be loved in the way that I deserve.

I am glad that we seem to be working out the details in an amicable way. But when we get along I see shades of the man I fell in love with. The days I can hate him are the easiest.

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