There was a time many naive years ago when I couldn't understand how people got divorced. Well, people who were obviously really in love once and seemed to fit one another. I still don't understand why I am getting divorced but I know how it happens. Your marriage dies slowly and quietly. Then one day all the things you loved about being together are gone and you can't remember when they disappeared.
I have had over a year to deal with the concept of getting divorced. That is why I seem to be handling it very well. But then again I am a person who finds security in a plan. If I can build a structure in a crisis, I can survive. I have died a thousand little deaths inside this past year. Every time I think I have prepared myself for what is going to hurt I am proven wrong. The little hurts will keep popping up and surprising me at the most unexpected times.
I can not concretely think beyond the next year. I focus on the next several months. I focus on doing the best I can for Keegan. But at night before I fall asleep that is when the bad thoughts come. When I ask myself questions I couldn't possibly know the answer to.
What if you never find anyone else to love you?
What if you never trust enough to marry again?
What if you spend the rest of your life alone?
The practical logical side of me, along with my friends assure me that I will recover and move on. But those nagging thoughts still surface.
After this time I have found peace with the past. I don't examine every moment trying to figure out what went wrong. How I could have looked different, acted different or said something different that would have changed the outcome. Shaking my self confidence is a worthless exercise. I want to be loved in the way that I deserve.
I am glad that we seem to be working out the details in an amicable way. But when we get along I see shades of the man I fell in love with. The days I can hate him are the easiest.
http://www.fillorburst.com/mt-tb.cgi/736
Ms. A, you are stronger than you think. You've typed it before. And I'm with yah on finding security in a plan, with the thoughts that come at night, but I won't pretend to come close to understanding what you're going through. For what it's worth, for what those email of a while back revealed of you, you're a strong woman. -- Sara
Corniness abounds, yet is sincere... one day at a time.
(((alisa)))
You can do this. You ARE doing this.
I won't pretend to understand what you are going through, but I can say that you've got support of family and friends. There are also some blogging buds who can be an ear too. ;)
(Wipes tear from corner of eye) Sending some figurative screaming yellow zonkers your way along with lots of thoughts for my amazing, strong friend.
sending thoughts of peace to you beautiful woman and mother.
I have no good words or anything that will make it better, but I do have some virtual **hugs** and know that there are people out there who think of you often and wish you nothing but peace and happiness. You'll get through this.
awwww sweetheart. this makes me so sad for you. i suspect you are too fabulous not to have more fabulousness in your life.
xoxox
jen
I'm at a loss for words. I feel very sad for you Alisa. I wish there was something I could do. I can understand some of what you are going through. Scott and I have mentioned divorce in our fights a few times before but I don't think its really an option for us. Before Scottie, I never understood why people would stay together "for the kids." Now, I totally understand that and could say that sometimes it feels that way between us but then it gets better or we work things out enough to shove that thought in the back. Don't feel guilty. You deserve to be loved and Keegen deserves a happy mommy.
You will find that person someday.
I am just so sorry, Alisa. ((((hugs))))