about
Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
cooking
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

view all my recipes

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Today

I do my best crying in the shower.
I remember a few days after the embryo transfer I stood in the shower and cried. That was out of happiness. I told myself that no matter what happened it was worth it. Worth it for the chance. Worth it because for atleast one moment I had an embryo growing inside me. I had potential.

I took a shower about a half hour ago. It is so humid and I have felt so crappy the past two days. I've never been weepy and hormonal before. But then I have never been pregnant before either. So I stood in the shower and cried. Cried because I am so tired. And I am so tired of being tired from the minute I wake up until I absolutely die into bed at night. And I feel guilty because there are thousands of women who would give anything to be in my place. Up until 12 weeks ago I was one of those women. But today right now I am sad. And I am crying while writing this. But this is how I feel and it is real. And tomorrow I hope to wake up and be back to me.

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Comments

my heart goes out to you, Alisa!

Shared by liz at July 22, 2003 8:22 PM

{{{{big hugs}}}} hope things look up soon.

Shared by jane at July 22, 2003 9:06 PM

Oh, I remember feeling like that too! I would just cry and cry and yes, I even entertained the occasional "bad" thought. It's all completely normal. Once you turn that first trimester corner you are going to feel fab and wonderful and not so tired! I promise!

Shared by Eden at July 22, 2003 9:31 PM

I was sad throughout my pregnancy with Noah. I had had two miscarriages before him and I knew that part of my depression was anxiety but I think most of it was hormones. And I felt so awful because I was very grateful but oh so sad! I used to sit in a rocking chair and listen to Jane Siberry CDs and lullabies and just sob. Wish I could give you a non-virtual hug.

Shared by Dawn at July 23, 2003 8:20 AM

Aren't hormones fun? Don't feel guilty, Alisa! It's people like you who give people like me hope that it can work and that my turn is coming soon. I hope today is a happy one!

Shared by Tracy at July 23, 2003 10:45 AM

**HUG** it's rough feeling like this, isn't it? I've wanted to be a mom for so long, and was so looking forward to being pregnant, but now that I am I'm feeling miserable! It's normal though, which is a little comfort.......

Shared by wendy at July 23, 2003 3:29 PM

Oh, don't feel a tad guilty, darlin. Even though this is what you've wanted so much for so long and now you've finally been gifted with it, doesn't change the fact that it's an ENORMOUS emotional and life change. Don't be too hard on yourself. It can (and will!) be difficult, so don't sell yourself short. You're going to do great! hugs hugs hugs hugs!!

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