Warning: Philisohical moment.

This is an entry I mentally composed while falling asleep last night. It stuck in my brain like the shadow of a dream. It just popped back up while I was off reading other people's blogs.

Almost every day I am able to tell myself I am happy. I truly am happy. I made choices, worked hard and had enough luck to have this life. But sometimes I think about the anti-climatic feelings I get. Not that the events weren't special and memorable. Maybe I am too much on guard to relax and enjoy them. I always worry about whether other people are having a good time or getting what they need. I can't be lost in the moment. They can be planned out and executed perfectly and I am still left feeling a little tiny hole.

I think it is about finding peace. You know what I mean? Feeling full and whole. Satisfied with what is right now and not looking any further. I have had fleeting moments that gave me a taste.

When I was in college. During a week long trip in the Ozarks I went backpacking, climbing and whitewater canoeing for the first time. It was a trip as much about learning skills as discovering ourselves. The energy of the people on that trip made us able to confront our biggest fears. I remember paddling down the river and being caught in a moment of bliss. A feeling of being completely right with the world.

Eight years ago. One night in Kenya I left my tent to walk to the outhouse. It was the clearest sky and the stars in that hemisphere are nothing like ours. I could see the entire milky way and they filled up the night. I stood staring up in total wonder. In the background the crickets made a sound like crystals clinking into eachother. It seemed as though I could hear the stars twinkling. At that moment again I was lost and perfectly content to never move.

I do not know how to get that feeling in every day life. Is it even possible? I wonder what effect being pregnant will have on that. Or the first time I see our child. I keep looking for it inside myself. And maybe that is it. Maybe I can only find it by looking outside. Religion? I don't know. Spirituality, I think yes. Over time I have formed a hodge podge of spiritual beliefs. I believe in a higher power, I believe you get back what you put out (karma) and I believe that we have a divine purpose on this earth. Everything else is still out there. I made a comment to Tom the other day about becoming Buddhists. I wonder.

I was telling Erika this today and being the resource library she is, she had a book. So I have before me "Awakening The Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das. I'm going to delve in and see what I find. Maybe it will be the answer or maybe a stone on the path towards the answer. I don't want to know if there isn't an answer.