I called Dartmouth today and confirmed the date of when I will start taking my Lupron injections. I suspect it will all seem to move rather quickly after that. I was really excited after our last appointment. More accurately I was feeling positive. Positive enough to start planning the rest of the year around being pregnant. Can't fly at this time, vacation close to home, where we will spend the holidays. I rarely let myself get that far ahead when it come to this. This last week has brought a lot of negative pregnancy test results for my online friends who just went through their IVF cycles. I'm now thinking why should mine be any different. Who says I should get to be successful on my first cycle when these other women have been trying so long? I am still excited about this try. Just not as sure of it.
I don't usually get effected by news outside of our situation. I am genuinely happy for other people who are pregnant now. I can be in a room with babies and be fine. But lately the sight of little boys has caught me on the edge. Like the one on Fri. sitting in front of his dad on the lawn tractor scooting around the yard. Or the one on Sat. holding his dad's hand and in the other clutching his Easter basket intent on the hunt. They are in my sight line for the briefest moment and then my eyes fill up. The sharp pain spreads from my heart into the pit of my stomach. And then I wipe the tears and keep on driving.
That's the hard part, never knowing when it is going to hit me. When I will be on the other side of this and those visions will only make me smile. Instead of making me long for the feeling of that little hand in mine.