A big fat packet from Dartmouth was waiting for me when I got home. It is the paperwork we need to review before our appointment with the Embryologist. It consists of a IVF procedure description and a participation release form. I have obviously been reading a lot about IVF and ICSI and injectible drugs. And I felt pretty well informed. I know the sucess rates and have accepted that we may not get pregnant on the first try. These are all things the you put in your head. Meanwhile your heart is saying, "I can do this, I would do almost anything for a child and it will all be worth it when I see our baby for the first time."
There's nothing like cold, hard facts to snap you back.

"Of those particpants who do become pregnant, only 65-75% will give birth. 20-25% will suffer spontaneous miscarriage in the first twelve weeks; 3-5% will experience non-viable pregnancies; 3-4% will suffer miscarriage after the first twelve weeks or deliver a stillborn baby. Roughly 10% will have pre-term infants. Statistics compiled at the IVF Program indicate that approximately 70% of pregnancies have resulted in the delivery of one or more live, term infants."

What better way to remind us that getting that positive pregnancy test is only the beginning. I have dared to think beyond that moment. But mostly in a positive way. Like imagining Tom's face when I tell him. Giving up sugar, caffeine and anything else deemed non-nutritious. The idea that by next year at this time we could have a baby. Like finally being able to refer to the extra room down the hall as the nursery, without my stomach tightening.
So I think I will return to my original plan back when we never dreamed we would have trouble getting pregnant. I will not tell anyone beyond a close circle if our IVF works yet. I can not gamble on being that 20-25% of first twelve week miscarriages in front of everyone. We will keep it close until it's safer.