The cable guy just left. Everything is fixed but I'm running late. I am going in to the center to support the teens and get ready for Tha's memorial.

I cry at the weirdest moments. Like watering the plants on the bay window. There sits my little bonsai. Tha gave it to me. He was my Secret Santa last year. We had only known each other a few months by then. He apparently asked everyone advice on what to get me. Then he went out on his own. It was the perfect gift and I love it.

Last night I stayed as long as I could. There were a few kids still there when I left. Driving home I called Tom but he didn't answer. Not too unusual as he might have been taking the dogs out. But then I talked to mom who called the house earlier and said she didn't get anyone. It is at that time that the thoughts creep into your head. You worry when you previously woudn't have. When I got there his jeep was in the garage and I felt relief. Then I got in and found him sleeping on the couch. And then my heart skipped a beat until I saw his eyes open.

This is the way Tha's girlfriend found him as she returned home from the mall with their son. I can not imagine what that must have been like.

How long will it be before I can once again feel secure that when the people I love go to sleep they will wake up?