Today I don't want to be me. I truly love my life and am so grateful. I have a wonderful husband, supportive family and amazing friends. Nothing to complain about. I feel guilty even writing this. But I just don't feel like being me.
Because then I have to be brave and happy and worry about what everyone else will think. I feel weird. Floaty and disconnected. Maybe it's because my job is over and it is so much a part of my identity. I don't belong there any more.
I'm scared. Suddenly being confronted with the very real possibility of being pregnant in a few months. Of course I want this. More than anything. But I'm terrifed of being someone's mother. How do I do this and still be me? One of the best things about being a woman is that very aware sexual identity. Alive and sensual and attractive. Getting married takes away that awareness from others. Being over thirty chips away again. Now motherhood. It's important to me that I remain me. Only better. I am loving, caring, loyal, honest, supportive, passionate, fiesty, adventurous and sexy. What if I'm not anymore? It probably sounds stupid.
I feel on the edge of something. Teetering and it's a place I want to go when I'm ready. Right now I want to throw a bunch of stuff in a backpack. And run away. Spend a week not being me or anything related to me. Forget about who I'd have to tell, who I'd have to answer to and not worry about worrying. Selfish right?
Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
Curried Beef Short Ribs
Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.
Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.
Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)
2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading
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Across The Universe
With Each Goodbye, You Learn
Harper Stats
Happy Birthday Gorgeous!
Oh God, Book One
Peep Peep
Kissiversary 2009
The Puzzle
Curried Beef Short Ribs
Black Bean-Taco Salad with Lime Vinaigrette
With Each Goodbye, You Learn
Harper Stats
Happy Birthday Gorgeous!
Oh God, Book One
Peep Peep
Kissiversary 2009
The Puzzle
Curried Beef Short Ribs
Black Bean-Taco Salad with Lime Vinaigrette
Getting Out
http://www.fillorburst.com/mt-tb.cgi/146
It doesn't sound stupid at all. :) I remember when I was fighting huge baby lust and a co-worker who was the same age and in the same financial situation had a baby. One day she brought her daughter into work and as I sat there, gazing at this beautiful newborn and feeling so envious for my co-worker, I realized, "Wow, it's not about her (my co-worker) anymore." The weight of choosing parenthood suddenly seemed overwhelming to me. I wasn't done putting myself first! There was lots I wanted to do! But then I did get pregnant and now six years into parenthood I can say that while I'm not the person I was before I had him, I am more myself than ever. Being Noah's mom has cemented who I am and it's one of the things about parenthood for which I am most grateful.
You'll do great!
I know alot of people that are feeling very much how you are including me. I am thinking though its because its March and still fricken cold and what we all really need is warm weather and the sun and we'll all feel more human and able to take what life is throwing us good or bad.
I was thinking another reason you might be feeling the way you are about motherhood is similer to how I was feeling last night. I said to Ash (my partner) I wish I didn't want kids so bad because it would be so much easier. You and I have to spend so much time and energy to have a child that we spend so much time doing it we question every new feeling we have, good or bad.
everything you said -- so real... like i can reach out and touch your words with my fingertips... you always amaze me with your expressive honesty. :)
and thanks for all the bloggity love, muffin. i'll be back.
Jen- You're probably right. As much as I love living up here, it is not unusual for me to get down around this time of year. This year feels different but then again it's been one hell of a year. I think we have to want to have kids this badly in order to be willing to go through all this. I know once I have that baby in my arms I'll never look back. By the way, my SIL reads your site and loves it!
Ms. Alisa, if you do run away, try Atlanta this week. The trees are beautiful with their blossoms... And your current (very normal) feelings wouldn't be of pain or panic or weighlessness, but of a springtime in your life, a rebirth, new beginning, a clean slate. The weather is such a mood-controler sometimes.