I did not run away today. I did the responsible thing. Made phone calls, sorted mail, did laundry and ran errands.
My yoga teacher called. She was worried because yesterday evening I started crying during "centering", then I left class. Wasn't hysterical or anything just tears running down my face. I could not be in the room any longer. She said is it common to get emotional during meditation. She recommended going somewhere that I feel spiritual. Somewhere I can get back in touch.
In high school I used to get in my 1979 Malibu and just drive. Go straight until I left civilization and past the Civil War battlefields. Sometimes I'd stop and just sit. I never do that any more. I always seem to need a direction, a plan. Something about growing up that makes driving aimlessly seem irresponsible. I also had a friend named Chris. He lived in the back of my neighborhood. I would go to his basement window room and wake him up. He never seemed to mind. We would either hang out in his yard or I'd take him for a ride. Sometimes I needed him to drive. I'm pretty sure he had stronger feelings for me. I had a boyfriend at the time so nothing ever progressed. But he would put his arm around me or hug me. Or sometimes I'd hold his hand as we'd lay in a field and stare at the stars. I don't have guy friends like that now. The only guys I know are part of a couple. I miss the perspective you get from a male. I miss that harmless flirty thing. Being with someone from the opposite sex and feeling safe. Actually I do kind of have a guy friend like that. We are just starting to get closer and he was so amazing yesterday. Talked me down from freaking out. I had to tell myself that being close to another man does not mean I am any less close to my husband. I need to get different things from different people. I need more relationships now. Ones where I don't have to be in control all the time. Ones where I can let go and trust.
This mood I am in is not necessarily a bad thing. It's making me think. It's make me want to be young and a little bit unpredictable again. I 'm going to try not to worry. But to let go and just be in it.