Okay I've done it. I've succumbed to the power of Blogshares. I didn't wanna but the lure was irresistable. So now I am whoring myself out there. Get me now while I'm cheap. (Some would argue that has never changed).
Click on the link on my sidebar for your shopping pleasure. It's fake money, no one gets hurt here.

Psst...I'm still in my PJs. Throw in some bon-bons and I'm a stereotypical housewife (sans kids).

I was browsing through Kristine's archives and found this post from exactly 2 years ago. I just had to look up my name to see if it is as unusual as it feels. I came in at 603rd most popular. Looking for something a little more uncommon? How about Saturnina at 3934th? Can you believe Jeffrey as a girl's name at 3643rd? Or Dimple at 3040th? Those parents must have looked at the newborn and gone with what they saw first. Based on what I read it's pretty difficult to be totally original, there are some weird ones out there. Makes me feel better about how people butcher my name. Say it with me. (Uh-lee-suh)

Good grief is the weekend really over? Did I really just use a Charlie Brown phrase? Anyhoo this one flew by. I wouldn't believe it except my fingers still have blue stains on them. From blue icing on Brianna's birthday cake. Care Bears, the favorites of this three year old. As Dirk said, "looks like Smurfs in a blender." It was a fun party though and worth the mess.
We definitely needed a happy occasion after yesterday morning's wake. Quite a few of Tha's friends were there because the party was for Sovanna's daughter. He and Tha had been friends since middle school. I was fascinated by the stories they all told and how they went naturally back and forth from laughing to crying. I feel like I learned alot more about who Tha was from hanging out with them.
I'm not saying I didn't feel a little out of place. Being that almost everyone there had known eachother for years, are Cambodian, are an average of nine years younger than me and almost all have children. So I stood on the fringes of the group but still felt included. Only intending to stay for a few hours I ended up being one of the last ones to leave. I am so glad to have had the experience. And a little jealous of their connections to each other, non-judgemental and sure to be lifelong.

Erika is right about needing to also focus on other things besides loss. In the spirit of moving on with life. Here's the scoop on our latest visit to Dartmouth this past Tues.
You gotta love them for making our 3 hour drive worth while. They really pack in the appointments. We saw the genetic counselor, embryologist and got our injection training. They teach you how to mix the medication in vials and how to handle the needles. I feel a lot better about the shots. I will be able to give almost all of them to myself. They have these itty bitty needles to use. Tom will have to give me the big giant one. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a little. But it seemed huge poised in his hand. He was really paying attention to the instructions and practiced several times. I think we'll do fine. They even gave me a folder with everything spelled out and I can follow along with each appointment. They are so amazing at helping us. For now my big box of meds waits in the guest room and a couple of packs are in the refrig. I am anxious to start in a few weeks.

The memorial was so special. To see those kids pour their hearts out in song, in poems, in words. Erika wrote and read this amazing poem. I wish I could have written it. I wish I could written anything. But my pen stayed frozen over the paper. Dirk made a video that completely captured the best of Tha in a few fleeting images. So for my part I lead the moment of silence. And lit the first candle off the one we had his family light. Everyone then came forward. Four-hundred-fifty candles all lit with love can sure fill a room.

After everyone left we blew them out together as a staff. We hugged goodbye and headed home. I want them to know I love them. They matter so much in my life. How I wish I could have Tha back long enough to tell him too.

The memorial starts at seven and we are pretty much ready. The kids showed up almost out of nowhere. They really need something to do. So they set up the tables and chairs. And put together 450 candles in little cups. Some are in the next room putting together a CD of songs to play for Tha tonight. Busy but always in the back of their minds, waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. The sadness, tears and the beginning of saying good-bye. Having to admit to ourselves that he is really gone.

The cable guy just left. Everything is fixed but I'm running late. I am going in to the center to support the teens and get ready for Tha's memorial.

I cry at the weirdest moments. Like watering the plants on the bay window. There sits my little bonsai. Tha gave it to me. He was my Secret Santa last year. We had only known each other a few months by then. He apparently asked everyone advice on what to get me. Then he went out on his own. It was the perfect gift and I love it.

Last night I stayed as long as I could. There were a few kids still there when I left. Driving home I called Tom but he didn't answer. Not too unusual as he might have been taking the dogs out. But then I talked to mom who called the house earlier and said she didn't get anyone. It is at that time that the thoughts creep into your head. You worry when you previously woudn't have. When I got there his jeep was in the garage and I felt relief. Then I got in and found him sleeping on the couch. And then my heart skipped a beat until I saw his eyes open.

This is the way Tha's girlfriend found him as she returned home from the mall with their son. I can not imagine what that must have been like.

How long will it be before I can once again feel secure that when the people I love go to sleep they will wake up?

My internet is still down. I am at the center writing this. Today has been a dream. One horrible dream I can't wake up from. Erika puts it so well here.

I am still numb. I can not stay on top of all things running through my head right now. After I got the call I came here as fast as I could. My first thought was to be with my family. My work family.

The stream of teens has been non-stop. He touched so many lives. I think he would have been humbled by this. This love so strong, multiplied a thousand times the love he gave us.

One minute I am comforting the kids, the next minute they are comforting us. They are amazing. They tell stories of him. Memories through the tears. Tomorrow we will find some way to tell him how we feel. We will gather and be strengthened by each other and by the words. The words that seem too weak to possibly convey everything he was. He is.

Well I've been quiet in case you hadn't noticed. Part of it was being away, part of it was from feeling crappy and the other part was from getting my books from Amazon.
The weekend was nice and relaxing. My mom & I read side by side on the couch in front of the woodstove, teacups balanced next to us. Dad read almost my entire beekeeping texbook and asked me questions about specifics. I was surprised by how much I have learned already. Tom kept himself amused with his laptop and his new book about hacking the web. Good quality time in the company of my family.
I felt crappy yesterday and today because of my period. Which came right on schedule. That's the good thing about infertility, everything is tracked. Hardly any surprises. It will be great to go nine months without those cramps. Not that I have any illusions about labor.
I finished "A Book of Bees and How To Keep Them" rather quickly. It was a short book and read easily. I loved it. It furthered my appreciation for bees and beekeeping. I am now almost done with "A Recipe For Bees." Which is less about beekeeping and more about how it changed one woman's sense of herself. How it gave her independence and for the first time something that was truly her's.
Tom asked, "Aren't you over this bee thing?" I laughed and said no. I definitely am not.

We're almost off for the weekend. Our friend Dirk was supposed to come with us but is so sick. We were going to take him skiing for the first time. I love introducing people to the sport. Perhaps another time, probably next season as this one is wrapping up. And Spring skiing involves a lot of rocks! The place we rented allows dogs so I have to go pack their little bags too.
No TV there so I get a break from the bombing. Tom is bringing his laptop because he hates to be out of the loop. He said every cubicle at work is broadcasting the coverage. This is where we differ on the topic. He soaks up the visual images. I keep imaging the uniforms and chaplains showing up at the fallen soldier's parents' front doors. Confirming their fears after seeing the network's streaming text reporting casualties.
I wish everyone a safe and peaceful weekend.

The cable guy just came. He was much nicer than the old company's guys. No problem with modem or inside lines. They think it is the outside line and the pole connection. Now Tom laughed at me but I felt it was weather related since we are finally starting to melt. The cable guy said I was "right on the money" and that it is probably water running down into the line. Ha, what do think of my ridiculous theories now mister? So the guys with the truck will show up this weekend and everything will be all better. I think I have a knack for this kind of stuff. When we moved in I had to rewire our outside phone lines. Per instructions of the phone company of course. They said it would be faster if I just did it myself. We've had crystal clear service ever since.

(Once again I was not able to get internet access until well after midnight.)

It seems like most of what I want to write these days involves the military. Partly because this war is giving me flashbacks and also prompted by an interesting email conversation I have been having with Sara.

Like many people I talk to I am torn over the war issue. I have my Bachelor's in Political Science, specifically foreign policy. So even though I have not kept up as closely as I should, the knowledge of the history is there. And I can not shake 23 years in the Army of my total 31 years of life. It is as much a part of my culture as someone else's ethnic background. I feel a strong bond with the military and was raised to support our government. But I also hate war. I recognize that sometimes it is absolutely necessary. I just wish I felt better about this one. I can not trust the reasons we are there now. I have difficulty not meeting the latest facts on weapons intelligence with scepticism. I studied war and it's effects extensively and see the horror in my mind during all the news reports. It is a difficult place to be seeming as though you are forced to choose sides. I don't know. But I will support the troops until the last ones come home.

My father thing is a whole different story. He is conservative and I am liberal. I think we respect each other's opinions well. He supports our government and I support people's rights to protest the war. We respectfully disagree. I was not alive when he was in Vietnam. But over the course of my lifetime I get tidbits. Mostly from my mother who was 19 with a newborn when my dad shipped out. He does not speak of it directly to me. He does not brag or romanticize any of it. I must have been in my 20s when I found out that he was a hero. That he had been decorated for bravery and saved lives. He is proud of his service to his country, a choice he made at 20. A career for 30 years. But he has never been able to go to The Wall. To read the names of the men he knew so well. The men who he led and who's faces he says he remembers. Every single one of them. I have been several times. I go for him. I stand in awe and cry for him. And I cry with pride that he was a part of those men's histories.

Is this a sign of the times or what? I keep getting daily hits on a yahoo search for "daddy+was+a+soldier+poem" or variations of that. They must be getting this.
Which I wrote more about the experience of being a "brat." It puts tears in my eyes to see local coverage of the families waiting at home. It brings back the ghost of a feeling, one I haven't felt in years. Right now my father is in Virgina on business. His good friend is doing military commentary for NBC. I can close my eyes and picture them both in uniform. See them as young soldiers and also as older men who survived their own generation's war. My mom told me about anti-war protests back then. How they stormed my father's ROTC building in college. How they did not return to a hero's welcome. How people spat on them. How after all these years my mom still doesn't speak to her cousin who called my dad a "baby killer" at a family reunion. I wait with heavy anticipation the next hours, days, and months of this war.

Pro peace. Pro servicemen & women.

From Statia

Last night we had the suppliers come to talk about ordering bee packages. Then we had a lesson on how to ready the equipment and introduce the hive to their new home. I called today to submit my order for Italian honeybees direct from south Georgia. They will be driven up to Peabody, MA by my supplier. I also have an appointment to meet him next week and order all my basic supplies. Is it weird that I got off the phone with him and did a little dance of joy? My bees yippee!
Now I need to finish scouting the area for the perfect site for my bee yard. I have a couple of ideas but it involves talking to the landowners. Apparently once the word is out people will be flocking to me and begging me to keep a hive at their farms. They also call to have swarms removed. Which would be really cool too.

So I called to complain about my cable internet (it was down all last night). They deny any problem on their end and are coming to check my lines on Fri. No charge unless the problem is my modem. We can all guess how that's gonna turn out.

A big fat packet from Dartmouth was waiting for me when I got home. It is the paperwork we need to review before our appointment with the Embryologist. It consists of a IVF procedure description and a participation release form. I have obviously been reading a lot about IVF and ICSI and injectible drugs. And I felt pretty well informed. I know the sucess rates and have accepted that we may not get pregnant on the first try. These are all things the you put in your head. Meanwhile your heart is saying, "I can do this, I would do almost anything for a child and it will all be worth it when I see our baby for the first time."
There's nothing like cold, hard facts to snap you back.

"Of those particpants who do become pregnant, only 65-75% will give birth. 20-25% will suffer spontaneous miscarriage in the first twelve weeks; 3-5% will experience non-viable pregnancies; 3-4% will suffer miscarriage after the first twelve weeks or deliver a stillborn baby. Roughly 10% will have pre-term infants. Statistics compiled at the IVF Program indicate that approximately 70% of pregnancies have resulted in the delivery of one or more live, term infants."

What better way to remind us that getting that positive pregnancy test is only the beginning. I have dared to think beyond that moment. But mostly in a positive way. Like imagining Tom's face when I tell him. Giving up sugar, caffeine and anything else deemed non-nutritious. The idea that by next year at this time we could have a baby. Like finally being able to refer to the extra room down the hall as the nursery, without my stomach tightening.
So I think I will return to my original plan back when we never dreamed we would have trouble getting pregnant. I will not tell anyone beyond a close circle if our IVF works yet. I can not gamble on being that 20-25% of first twelve week miscarriages in front of everyone. We will keep it close until it's safer.

Today I was home the entire time until I left for yoga. It was so warm out. I drove the whole way with the sun on my face. The life giving joy restoring sun. That is when happiness creeped back up on me. After a week it just showed up on it's own. Accompanied by the soundtrack of Eve. I can't help smiling during bass thumpin and strong female vocals. (Now you know of my secret hip-hop collection. Dr. Dre's in there too, but that is for a whole different mood).

Stupid #@%* cable internet company. Up & down yesterday, mostly down. They were recently taken over by another company that promises "to serve me better." Ha, not so far. Which is why I couldn't post at all yesterday.
Well the whole family arrived safely back and had a great time. And it was so beautiful outside. I was so happy to see the sun, I hardly recognized it. That didn't stop me from trying to find away to curl up in our bay window. No wonder my plants love it there so much.
And wonder of all wonders I got to bed by 12:30.

My Saturday at a glance.

1. Started day with healthy bowl of oatmeal.
2. Dyed hair blonde(r). Thankfully not as light as on the box.
3. Did one responsible errand to pick up something for dogs.
4. Rented movies and picked up Chinese.
5. Watched 40 Days & 40 Nights. Was looking for something mindless and I actually ended up enjoying this.
6. Watched "Nashville Star" on USA. Nashville's answer to American Idol. Yes I will openly admit to liking country music.
7. Caught reflection in mirror of new color. Me likey!
8. Opened fortune cookie. "Further study will enliven your mind." Lame. Even with "between the sheets" added to the end.
9. Busted open Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra. Too rich only skimmed the top.
10. Watched Igby Goes Down. Fantastic. Can't say enough good things about it.
11. Nighty-night before 2am. It's a miracle.

I love a quiz as much as the next girl. This one came from Amy Tart by way of Roni.

Cute Flirt


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay the movie is called "The Straight Story". Alvin Straight, 73, drives his riding lawnmower 375 miles to see his estranged brother. The journey takes six weeks and along the way he touches people's lives with his own brand of wisdom. Few words and straight to the heart honest. Loved him. Loved the ending, perfect.

I was busy today getting ready to go away for the weekend. But sometime around 1:30pm I decided I didn't want to go. This is very unlike me. I make plans, I stick to them. But in celebration of my new selfish phase I decided I don't wanna.
My parents were a little confused. It was worth it to watch my military strategist father lecture me on the signs of depression. Classic. I guess he forgot that I have Masters in Psychology. I patiently explained that I had been doing what everyone else wants for 10 years. God forbid I take a week to do what I want. Poor guy gave up and just huggged me instead.
He was able to convince Tom to still go. I didn't want him to miss out on the last snowmobiling of the season. But he didn't want to leave me. It would make me more unhappy if he stayed around staring at me all weekend. So off they went into the wilds of Maine. You just gotta love them all.
So how will I spend my Friday night? Not sure yet. It's IFC on Bravo and I kind of want to see that movie about the guy who drives a tractor from Iowa to Wisconsin. Also I have a box of really blonde hair dye that I picked up yesterday. I almost have the guts to do it. Oh no a cliffhanger ending......

Damn. I was really hoping to go to bed earlier. But once again I am not sleepy. My mind races too much. I had a really interesting IM conversation with a friend earlier. About the past and the future and how we can fight the inevitable, the expected. By questioning every choice, every option. By thinking and staying in the practice of thinking. My worst fear is to be ordinary. Boring. Stereotypical. Your nondescript family portrait. As much as I want the husband, house, garden, dogs and kids. I don't want to stop growing as a person. Developing as an individual. Challenging myself. Being challenged by others.
So I think and I search and I read. I read other people's writings and see their lives. And look for them to teach me. The how of living a thoughtful, examined life.

PS My mindset continues to make me think of relationships. So I decided to post this & more recently write this.

I was supposed to go to creative writing class taught by the accomplished Miss Erika. But it's snowing and the roads are crappy. It took me forever to get back from the vet. I think it was when I slid into oncoming traffic, I thought, "Yeah, I don't think so." Then the guy honks at me as though I didn't notice I was in the wrong lane. Jerk.
So I will have to amuse myself elsewhere. I've got dinner marinating. I have an entire repertoire of dishes for the "dual food preference" family. Tonight we dine on fajitas. I basically cook half the chicken in sauce and then hand it to Tom with his plain tortillas. Then I cook the other half with peppers & onions, and serve it to myself with black beans, salsa and sour cream. Voila. Two happy diners and no digusted wrinkled noses.

Oh one more thing. Tip to husbands:
When returning home to your recently unemployed wife. Do not look around the house at her cleaning efforts and say,"I see you're trying to look productive." I know you think you are funny. But you're not. It makes her think twice about cooking you dinner.

Thank you. This has been a Public Service Announcement from the "I've Been Married For A While And Have Learned A Thing Or Two Corporation."

I need to make a resolution to go to bed earlier. This week I have been averaging 3am. Last night I improved slightly at 2am. I can't sleep, I'm not tired. I really need to work at keeping a normal schedule.
Today I need my strength. I have a formidable task in front of me. Wrangle two 65 pound dogs to the vet. The problem is they actually like going. They like going anywhere. So I get dragged in the door while the other one issues protest barks from the car. Then I get do it again when I switch dogs. Better go get my chaps & spurs on.

This is bizarre.
I mean it is a good news for her family. But who knew he had curative powers? I bet his album sales skyrocket.

Last night I bought all four bee related books off my Amazon wishlist. I talked to this guy after class and he recommended one. He said it was like a beekeeping handbook crossed with the "Bridges of Madison County." I thought it was super gutsy for a man to admit he likes romance books. He told me the title and author, and when I got home it was already on my list. So I bought them all. Hey when I get into something, I really go for broke. Literally $$.

You gotta love it when the class syllabus says bring a hammer and a pair of needle-nose pliers. We built stuff all evening. More accurately we built a frame which is what the bees will build the honeycomb on. I was terrible at it. Frame not square, nails poking through because my angles were off. So bad in fact the President of the club stood over my shoulder most of the time. When it was finally too painful for him to watch, he'd take over. Gee, and only 29 more frames to go. The ten year old assisting me (not exaggerating here) assured me that I could buy mine pre-assembled. But there is an attraction to making all of my own stuff. We'll see how far I get before that wears off. And I didn't think about my weird mood the whole time. Just focused on the details of hive construction.
Fun bee fact:
Six days after emerging from her cell the queen takes her mating flight. This will be the only time she ever leaves the hive. During her flight she mates with ten or more drones. She fills up with their sperm and then uses it to lay eggs over the rest of her lifespan. A good queen can lay over 200,000 eggs per year.
Wow, I only want one baby. Can you imagine only have sex for one day with a bunch of guys and then you're done? What a lonely life. Not that the queen isn't fauned over and attended to by every other bee every day of her life. That part wouldn't be too bad. Then she is eventually replaced by a new younger queen. Typical. (Perhaps I am personalizing this too much. Ya think?)

I did not run away today. I did the responsible thing. Made phone calls, sorted mail, did laundry and ran errands.
My yoga teacher called. She was worried because yesterday evening I started crying during "centering", then I left class. Wasn't hysterical or anything just tears running down my face. I could not be in the room any longer. She said is it common to get emotional during meditation. She recommended going somewhere that I feel spiritual. Somewhere I can get back in touch.
In high school I used to get in my 1979 Malibu and just drive. Go straight until I left civilization and past the Civil War battlefields. Sometimes I'd stop and just sit. I never do that any more. I always seem to need a direction, a plan. Something about growing up that makes driving aimlessly seem irresponsible. I also had a friend named Chris. He lived in the back of my neighborhood. I would go to his basement window room and wake him up. He never seemed to mind. We would either hang out in his yard or I'd take him for a ride. Sometimes I needed him to drive. I'm pretty sure he had stronger feelings for me. I had a boyfriend at the time so nothing ever progressed. But he would put his arm around me or hug me. Or sometimes I'd hold his hand as we'd lay in a field and stare at the stars. I don't have guy friends like that now. The only guys I know are part of a couple. I miss the perspective you get from a male. I miss that harmless flirty thing. Being with someone from the opposite sex and feeling safe. Actually I do kind of have a guy friend like that. We are just starting to get closer and he was so amazing yesterday. Talked me down from freaking out. I had to tell myself that being close to another man does not mean I am any less close to my husband. I need to get different things from different people. I need more relationships now. Ones where I don't have to be in control all the time. Ones where I can let go and trust.
This mood I am in is not necessarily a bad thing. It's making me think. It's make me want to be young and a little bit unpredictable again. I 'm going to try not to worry. But to let go and just be in it.

Today I don't want to be me. I truly love my life and am so grateful. I have a wonderful husband, supportive family and amazing friends. Nothing to complain about. I feel guilty even writing this. But I just don't feel like being me.
Because then I have to be brave and happy and worry about what everyone else will think. I feel weird. Floaty and disconnected. Maybe it's because my job is over and it is so much a part of my identity. I don't belong there any more.
I'm scared. Suddenly being confronted with the very real possibility of being pregnant in a few months. Of course I want this. More than anything. But I'm terrifed of being someone's mother. How do I do this and still be me? One of the best things about being a woman is that very aware sexual identity. Alive and sensual and attractive. Getting married takes away that awareness from others. Being over thirty chips away again. Now motherhood. It's important to me that I remain me. Only better. I am loving, caring, loyal, honest, supportive, passionate, fiesty, adventurous and sexy. What if I'm not anymore? It probably sounds stupid.
I feel on the edge of something. Teetering and it's a place I want to go when I'm ready. Right now I want to throw a bunch of stuff in a backpack. And run away. Spend a week not being me or anything related to me. Forget about who I'd have to tell, who I'd have to answer to and not worry about worrying. Selfish right?

Wow did this day fly by or what? Today was my Cooking Light supper club's monthly get together. The theme was New Orlean's Jazz Brunch and was appropriately hosted by a former Louisiana native. The food was especially good this time. Trust me I have leftovers stashed in the fridge for tomorrow.
The menu was:
Peach-pecan muffins
Asparagus in balsamic vinegar w/ pecans
Prosciutto egg cups
Crabmeat pie (this was mine)
Stuffed french toast casserole
Grillades w/ cheese grits
Fruit salad w/ jicama & cinnamon dressing
and of course,
King cake
The hardest part is finding something in Louisiana cuisine that is light. Everything normally has tons of butter or is deep fat fried. Which I love, but it kind of defeats the purpose of trying to cook light. Next month is my turn to host. Oh the pressure.
I got home from there at 5:30pm and then left for Cambridge at 6pm. Talk about a whirlwind.

Eeeeeek!!!! How cute is this design? Erika & I have been discussing a bee design lately because I've been so bee crazy. But she always manages to surprise me. You too can have something this fabu. Contact her at Simply Delish.
Well I've gotta run for now. I got back from Maine 20 mins ago and now I am off to Cambridge. Update to come later.

this is alisa's surprise redesign. :-) yay for bees! and of course, she's busy alllll day today, so this will be a little surprise for when she gets home!

-erika

Yesterday was my official last day at work, although I will do a few hours next week to wrap up. We had already planned to go to a co-worker's house and hang out. Even though I was over it after last weekend I brought stuff for chocolate fondue. I never actually got to make it. We had that much fun. So much I called Tom at 11pm already knowing there was no way I was making home. We talked, laughed, danced and sang until the wee hours. You've got to love the ratio of only three girls with all those boys.
Right after they dedicated and sang a song to me (which one I can not for the life of me remember), they made us sit in a circle. I had to sit in the middle and they began what is called "throwing of the roses." An exercise where each person takes turns telling the person in the center positive things. I am not the kind that likes to be the center of attention, but I loved hearing it. They were so serious, looking right into my eyes and saying all the things you forget to tell people in the day to day. Then they gave a me a picture taken Thurs. night. It had most of the staff and a lot of the teens I am particularly close to in it.
When the serious stuff was over we lightened the mood again with more retro 80s hip-hop. "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc anyone? I made it to 3am before I completely crashed on the aerobed.
This morning I showed Dirk how to make pancakes with letters and shapes in them. Poor Sovanna had to do all those dishes. I made little silver dollar pancakes for his almost three year old daughter. Then I packed it up (not much since I hadn't planned on staying over) and drove home. Don't you feel that showers are especially refreshing when you've slept in your clothes? Don't get me started on brushing my teeth. Yum minty.

I have two words for you.

STINKY CHEESE

PS This may shed some light on why I was laid off. Ha, ha.

Okay here is part two before the day is over.

Left Dartmouth and descended into hell. In the form of four snowplows blocking all the lanes and going 20 mph. This went on for miles and miles. The roads weren't even that bad that far north. They usually stagger themselves so that motorists may pass if they chose to. This went on until we merged with another highway. I got by and a few miles down we hit a dead stop. As we inched by I saw a car completely flipped over in a ditch. The driver was out and seemed okay. How scared must she have been? I kept pressing on to the Mass border and my ultimate destination. The Young Women's Creative Writing poerty reading for Women's Week.
I did make it and only 10 minutes late. We started late anyway to see if others would come. Erika had the table setup with fresh flowers and yummy snacks. She MC'd the evening with style despite that she a killer stress bomb day. I felt crappy that I couldn't have been there to help.
The girls were wonderful, shy at first but then got their courage up. I always feel so proud to hear them up there shining. The reading ended with Amber reading the poem she wrote for me. It was the first time I heard it read by her. It was even better that way. Then Erika had a surprise. She got the staff to each write a few lines and then put it together into a poem about me. I loved it. I loved it as a single tear fell down my cheek. I drove my mom home from the reading with the smell of the bouquet they gave me permeating the car. To be loved and appreciated is the best feeling in the world.

Busy, busy day. I'm gonna have to post about it in two parts.

First things first. Trekked up to Dartmouth and while driving followed these instructions. "Drink 32oz of any fluid one hour prior to your appointment." I had a harder time with this one. "Do not void before appointment." Void meaning piss like a racehorse. The snow slowed me down and by the time I got into the room I was dying. Then they made me change. In the bathroom. That really killed me.
The mock transfer went fine and they discovered a little "s" curve in my cervix. So they'll be ready for that when we go for the real thing. They let me pee after that. Whew! Then I had the sonohistogram (SHG) and my uterus was just peachy. For good measure they decided to take a look at the ovaries too. So weird looking at those potential eggs hanging out and waiting to roll down the chute.
After I got dressed I took my chart up and met with our IVF coordinator. She was able to take a look at the calendar and sketch out an approximate time for the meds and the procedures. Hopefully we'll be able to take our first shot in May. I am so excited to have atleast an idea of when everything is going to happen. And even though I am trying to be cautious, I can't help but think that our child would be born in Feb. of next year. I get teary-eyed at the very idea.

Hear ye, hear ye. I am here to declare that I have six remaining chocolate covered cherrries that have survived since Valentine's.
Um..... make that five. I couldn't help it. I started picking at the foil and then all the sudden there it was in it's naked chocolate glory. And well I took a closer look and then I bit it. The rest as they say, is history.
I' m not sorry, I'd do it again too.

Okay so now only I have four. The shame.

Well atleast he's trying.

Second session of beekeeping school tonight and I still really enjoy it. Although I do keep attracting weird people to sit by me. Tonight's candidate was prone to muttering to herself and asking questions directed at noone in particular. Fun.
I am now obessesed with finding the perfect place for my apiary. Somewhere that the bees and people can live in harmony. I might explore finding a place to keep them offsite.

Because you know you love them, here is the latest installment of bee facts:

1. Worker bees only live about 6 weeks they literally die because their wings wear out.
2. Honey is flower nectar that is carried in a bee's second stomach where it mixes with an enzyme. The nectar is then regurgitated and fanned by their wings until the water content is reduced to 17-20%.
3. It takes 2 million flowers to make 1 pound of honey. That's a lot of flight time.
4. A fully loaded bee can fly 6-9 mph. Empty they go up to 15 mph.
5. Bee pollen contains 50% more protein than an equal amount of beef.

And finally my favorite.

6. The queen controls the population with her "essence", a hormone, that keeps the bees calm and doing what she wants.

God I wish I could bottle and sell that. It probably doesn't work on husbands, co-workers and children anyway.

Erika writes about delinking and whether we blog for ourselves or others. My problem is not so much with links but with my referrals page. I am fascinated by the ways people find me. Lately my number of hits has increased steadily too. This part really blows my mind. Truly I am not fishing for compliments, but I do wonder what people like about my site. There are no bells and whistles just me. I mean I find my life pretty engrossing but I didn't expect total strangers to. But then again I read many people I have never met and really enjoy. Perhaps it is the new perspectives as well as the finding things in common. The innate longing for humans to connect and become a part of something larger then themselves.

"Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT now
Give me spots on my apples but leave me the birds and the bees,"

Big Yellow Taxi, Joni Mitchell 1970

Been reading my homework for beekeeping class tonight but I have to finish later. It is so interesting. I also read a little from the handbook my great-grandfather used that was published in 1943. I swear it looks like very little about the practice has changed. That is one of the reasons I find it so fascinating. I am excited about learning a craft that has been relatively the same for generations. It is already giving me an appreciation for the work that goes into filling my squeezy bear-shaped bottle of honey.
But I've go to leave now to drive to Miss Erika's web design class. Should I get an apple for the teacher? Or perhaps a Fresh Samantha's?

I have not had a good day. I wrote an entire entry about it earlier. I forgot to save it and it is still up on my screen at work. That pretty much caps it off.
There have been a few bright spots. One of the girls gave me this beautiful dream journal made of homemade paper. So incredibly sweet of her.
A reporter came to interview us about the effect of the budget cuts. It's only Comcast Cable news but it will show throughout New England. I hope they air it, people see it and they get it. I don't even know what will help now. The teens they interviewed were very eloquent and I am proud of them.
We had one of our girls come in today upset. In her second trimester and they cut her off MassHealth. It's free people, it's for those who cannot afford to pay. Erika tried to navigate the bureaucratic phone system to see what we can do. She will try again tomorrow. This girl is high-risk and now on bedrest. Talk about kicking you when you're down.
Waaaaah...where is the good news? Come on gimme something here.

Not writing much. Sleepy 'cause of this. But let me just add that I stayed up the latest (5:00am)!! Okay maybe Sue beat me by a little bit.
Also, I am so totally sick of chocolate. It might be from all the Toblerone fondue and possibly from the carrots, Twizzler bits and Tostitos scoops we dipped in it as an experiment. Upon reflection I should have stuck to the more traditonal stuff. Strawberries, marshmallows, pineapple, poundcake and bananas, yum.