Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.
Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

Yield 6 servings (serving size: about 3 ounces ribs, 2/3 cup rice, and about 2 1/2 tablespoons sauce)

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 pounds ...continue reading

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Blurred Vision

Back when I did at-home family counseling it was not a rare thing for me to drive home crying. I never showed emotion in front of them, but I soaked up all their pain and anger like a sponge. I would cry my way home and then go right back fresh the next day. Since working at my current job, the going home crying thing has occured very rarely.
Tonight even though I had a great time taking the kids to the Vagina Monologues, I cried my way home. Maybe it was my headacheor hunger, or that I'm tired having been at work for eleven hours. But my phone conversation with my mom didn't help. It's not her fault that sometimes she becomes the conduit through which depressing thoughts flow.
It started with me telling her about the latest cuts in funding. Today I found out the governor has cut funding for the At-Risk Youth Summer jobs program. Someone else told me they heard that public swimming pools funding has also been cut. So I'm telling her all this and what the consequences will be. And I hear myself talk about the crime rate, drug abuse and pregnancy rates skyrocketing.
Then I realize what I am saying, that these life changing events will be happening to my kids. The ones I see everyday, the ones I care about deeply. They will probably get hurt, hurt others, hurt themselves and otherwise suffer because of the lack of opportunities. These amazing, loving, talented kids who are so eager to be loved, supported and feel successful. That is when the tears started for me.

On to topic #2, my family. More specifically my brothers both of whom live in Virginia. They are aware of this blog but do not read it (that I know of). My mother proceeds to tell me that she talked to my little brother (who is actually older than me, but the younger of the two). It is important to understand that he has a history of making really poor choices in the romantic relationships department. Mom got the update on his latest venture. Suffice it to say that they met during an on-line game but never in person. My brother has proceeded to build an entire future around this relationship. This fact caused me enough stress to spend an entire therapy session on it a few months ago. My therapist helped me identify that my brother has a gambling addiction, he plays with the highest stakes. His heart. I decided at that time to let go of my stress around this. While I love my brother, I can no longer afford to tear myself apart over his life. Tonight my mother told me that they are moving in together, once again they have never met in person. No date has been set. It's like watching a heroin addict with a needle poised over his vein. This can not end well. And as a family we will once again watch him plunge to the depths of despair not knowing if he will make it back. As much I try to not get sucked in, this news made me cry harder.
During this same phone call, my mom told both of my brothers about my being laid off. They had a minimal reaction beyond asking what I was going to do next. Clearly they haven't any idea what my job meant to me. Were there any concerned phone calls when I arrived home? No. Perhaps I will hear from them tomorrow, I hope so. My mom does not know that I cried. This is what I do, keep a brave face for my family and do the hard stuff below their radar.
It's funny that I can give other people advice on how to navigate their relationships. But when it comes to my own, I always start at square on.

TrackBack for this entry:
Excerpt: Alisa posted last night about some of the latest budget cuts, and the effect it's going to have on our
Weblog: snazzykat
Tracked: February 28, 2003 9:50 AM
Excerpt: Alisa posted last night about some of the latest budget cuts, and the effect it's going to have on our
Weblog: snazzykat
Tracked: February 28, 2003 9:50 AM